Black Jesus Episode Recap, 02×03: “False Witness”

“Hey man, I ain’t wearin’ no fuckin’ dress”. “Nigga, your lord and savior wears a dress.” “ And he ain’t got no bitches, do he?”


Hey, everyone! RobBarracuda here, and it’s time to talk about the newest episode of Black Jesus, “False Witness”. Paranoia about terrorists, back alley “blowjobs”, and a metric assload of wooden pallets. This was a good week.


The episode opens with Vic and Lloyd taking out the trash, when they come across Jesus supplying wooden pallets to a group of Middle Eastern men. The two of them start to freak out a bit and get paranoid, especially after observing Jesus speaking perfect Arabic with one of the men.

The two of them discuss how to go about stopping the supposed “terrorist” threat, claiming that he and Lloyd are the “sheep dogs” who will protect Compton. Meanwhile, the gang is loading up Fish’s car with wooden pallets, which it turns out they’re selling in order to make some money. After they all gather up some more wooden pallets, they meet up with the Middle Eastern guys again, with Vic and Lloyd secretly observing. Back at their apartment, Vic pulls up a list of 7 Ways To Spot A Terrorist, the first 3 being Suspicious Activity, Illicit Fundraising, and Acquiring Supplies.

Wow. Buzzfeed must be really desperate for ideas.
Wow. Buzzfeed must be really desperate for ideas.

Vic thinks Jesus might be involved in the construction of some kind of a wooden bomb and wants to take matters into his own hands, but Lloyd sneaks off to the bathroom to call Dianne and warn her about Jesus’ possible terrorist activity. Later, Fish comes across the two setting up an “Emergency Powers In Effect” sign in the complex to assert his authority in the case of suspicious events, and Vic even sets up a hidden security camera in Fish’s apartment. The gang’s driving around the neighborhood when they come across a huge supply of wooden pallets around the backside of a supermarket, but their attempt to take some for themselves is stopped by a security officer. Back at Fish’s apartment, Jesus advises them against trying to steal the pallets from the market, but when he leaves they start planning a theft. Fish suggests wearing burqas so that they don’t draw as much attention as they would if they used masks. Boonie, Fish, and Jason go to scope out the area where the pallets are, and of course Vic is observing in secret from across the street. He views this as steps 4 and 5 of spotting terrorists, Testing Security and Rehearsal, and he even invites a man to his apartment to supply him with equipment and weaponry to fight terrorists: mace, a stun gun, tear gas grenades, a flash gun, and a bulletproof vest.

Lloyd manages to meet up with Dianne and let her know about Jesus’ recent activity as well as Vic’s plans for vigilante justice. She promises to talk to Jason about it as soon as possible, and she laments that ever since breaking up with him, she’s met nothing but assholes. Lloyd gives her some of his alcohol and she drinks some of it, which upsets her stomach and makes her leave the place they’re at to throw up. Lloyd attempts to help her recover, but as he does this, Boonie notices them from across the street, and he sees what looks like Dianne blowing Lloyd, recording the event on his

I believe the kids call this a blumpkin. ...I don't know what that is.
I believe the kids call this a blumpkin. …I don’t know what that is.

phone. The next day, Fish and Jason are planning their robbery strategy, when Boonie comes in to tell Jason about what he saw, showing the video footage he recorded and to give them the burqas he obtained. Vic’s security camera catches them in disguise leaving the apartment, and he calls up Lloyd to warn him, claiming that impersonation is step 6 of spotting a terrorist, with the final step being deployment. Vic grabs all of his gear, and goes down to the grocery store where he sees the gang all dressed up in burqas and stealing the pallets. He fires the flare gun at them, and the guys escape into the grocery store, with Vic following in after them. He starts using all of his weapons and tools against the gang, disturbing the peace in the process. Jesus also happens to be there and tries to quell the disturbance. Meanwhile, the authorities show up, including Dianne, and she busts one of the “terrorists”, revealed to be Jason. The entire situation finally manages to calm down, with the market owner agreeing to not press any charges. Vic asks Dianne about what’s gonna happen to the gang, and she lets him know that nothing will happen since they’re losers and not terrorists. While talking to the gang, Boonie shows her the video of Lloyd and her, which she tries to explain. The episode ends with Jesus and Boonie getting in a couple of jokes at Vic’s expense before leaving the scene.

My Thoughts

Vic is very much at the heart of this week’s episode, as he’s the main driving force behind much of the conflict and plot. Charlie Murphy’s always been great in this role, but his performance really stands out here, helping to sell the ridiculous levels of terrorist paranoia as completely believable coming from this character. In addition, the side story of Lloyd and Dianne lends some great absurd moments to the episode, especially the blowjob scene. There’s some foreshadowing and callbacks related to Dianne and Jason’s relationship, suggesting that Jesus was right and the two were meant for each other (and also that God probably did curse Dianne for real). Even with the relative absence of Jesus as an important character to the story this week, everyone else is fun to watch and the general chemistry of the characters is as on-point as always. I look forward to next week’s episode. See ya then!

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